After my date with Brunch, I reflected on the day I was having at that point. When I got back to my truck I took my handy dandy iPad out. I started marking off boxes of the pros and cons of Breakfast and Brunch. Did they smell good? Open doors? Lead me well? Offer me a drink? Did they compliment me? Flowers? Etc, etc. They both checked off majority than not and those were good enough odds for me. Overall, they both met my standards. My MINIMUM requirements while dating but I’ll tell y’all about that another time. I adore masculine men. I love when I don’t have to tell a man how to be a man. I bask in their every essence as soon and as much as I can. I could see myself with them both, but I know to not think or feel more into than that. Everyone knows you put on your best behavior when you are newly dating and that alone leads to me creating fairy tails in my head while the men act based on how they think I want them to act. Nobody can pretend more than 60 days in the least, but these are guys I have known for years which means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Being friends with someone is on the other side of dating them and you never really want to flip that coin.

As I am typing up in my iPad, I get a message from Lunch.

“Aye gawgeous, I’m finna b abt 20 min late. Hope u don’t mind.”

Nigga. I rolled my eyes. Not at him being late but this man’s shitty grammar. OMG, what the fuck is that? How old are we? Bad grammar may not be a deterrent to basic bitches galore, but I am almost 30, which is practically 40, almost 50, damn near 60, so I am about 70 years young. I do not have the time to be fucking around! If you cannot read or write, how are you supposed to comprehend? Not having basic grammar is a red flag. I feel it takes more time to purposely spell things wrong than to put the letters where they are supposed to fucking be. Low effort texts equates to a low effort mentality and you cannot change my mind about this. Now you all are probably wondering why I have not noticed it before, and the answer is,

MAYBE I WAS DRINKING WHEN I MADE PLANS WITH HIM!

Damn girlie pop, do not be minding my business! Drinking a couple bottles of them Smirnoff coolers will get you right best believe! Well, for me it does since I am a lightweight. Smelling any form of alcohol will make the room spin so I usually stray. That is the only time you will ever see me being a weak bitch. Anywho—I was definitely drinking when I made plans with this man as sober me would have NEVER but he is on the schedule for the day, and I need to stick with it for my experiment. I started to think, “What if he is a nice guy?” And I almost threw up. Look at me giving men grace when they would never. I swore I would never do that again but old habits die hard so I slip up every now and again. I was supposed to meet him around four pm. It is a quarter to four, but he said twenty minutes, right? Right. I had time as I was already in the parking lot. He opted for Red Lobster and my back is not small enough to decline a date with the cheddar biscuits! What random broad in their right mind is turning down Red Lobster with the cheddar BISCUITS!? Not anybody with a double chin such as myself. The scent of them wafted through my car and made my nipples hard. I love eating good in more ways than one. I made a challenge to see how long this man would have me wait. Was four twenty, four thirty, four forty and nothing. No communication whatsoever. Who the fuck did he think I was!? Has he seen me? This bodacious goddess gracing this earth? All genders worship the ground I walk on, and that motherfucker thought he was an exception!? I was so going to fuck him up with proper grammar if I ever saw him. I was really going to school him on what he slept through in second grade. I was rehearsing every insult I could think of as I hated wasting my time, my beauty. I should’ve known! Two hours sitting in my car when I could have been out in public being seen is a sin! Such a big turn off! I was FUMING. I had to masturbate to calm down. My body’s temperature was so elevated, I started hotboxing my car. Yes, I was fucking myself that hard. Thank gawd for window tints. Had to roll my window down BECAUSE not only did this man have me losing the argument I set up for myself in my head, he actually did not show up for an hour past what HE scheduled. I was so ready to tear his ass a new one and then I remembered one damning fact—I did not even know what this man looked like. Ah well.

Wrapped up those two hours by going inside to order me some damn biscuits. Eating soothes the brain and I wanted to calm down and relax. I probably would have ordered more but I wanted to save some of my appetite for Dinner fine ass. Dinner was the one I was most excited for. I could say I love him, but I know that means I am in love with my fantasies. I daydream sometimes about how I want to be treated and cared for by men and don’t get me wrong, I always receive queen treatment but none of it has come from my person. I have yet to meet him or maybe I have already. I have had to learn that it is not the same and I refuse to turn Daquan the postman, into Daquan the perfect man. Never mistake your feelings for what another person feels. It is the quickest way to become so in love and delusional. Lucky for them my name is Dee-Lose-Inall! Refer to me as Dee from here on!

Now Dinner was completely new as I met him a local festival. I was already pissed about being out in that hot ass weather. The ass was sitting, thong was sticking, body glistening, and the titties were saluting all who looked and TRUST, the mens were looking! HIDE YA KIDS, HIDE YA WIVES CAUSE IF THEY LOOKED, THEY WERE GETTING TOOK! Anyway, I was in the food line for the italian sausages. I zoned out, having flashbacks about the last time I had an italian sausage, or any sausage for that matter. You could crack my legs open and dust and cobwebs would have flown out. My kewch would have started dry heaving begging for water. Your girl was starving. Thirsty. Agitated and irritated. The day goes by and I’m zoning out in a daze, room spinning and mouth watering. I smelt a smelly smell that gave BEAST! I inhaled big and brawn with biceps bigger than my head. My dog ears perked up and I immediately started scanning the room. It was giving I’d be leaving in a wheelchair and too big for my throat. It gave I’d lose all sense of self and become obsessed. The scent was coming from behind me. Did I dare to turn around? Was this something I was ready for? Hell naw! What if I turn around and he ugly? Men have a bad habit of doing that shit. In a daze, I get a tap on the shoulder motioning for me to place my order which I did and shuffled to the side. I said, “Fuck It!” And scanned the party behind me. Bunch of four and fives out of tens and that upset me because why do y’all not look how y’all smell? Like I am glad they smelled good but I was still disappointed. I shook my head in defeat. What was life? I was craving, feigning, needing a man to dig all up in me. Was this my destiny? To tuck myself in bed for the next few months, clinging to a vibrator? That was all I was asking for. A man with a dick that curved to the right! That wasn’t too much to ask right!? I happened to look up again and locked eyes with this beautiful head full of locks. Chocolate man with a big nose and an alluring smile. Now I cannot tell you his height, but he sure was taller than me and I was wearing four-inch heels on my five-foot nine frame. He did not look like the description above but he was put together with a nice smile and that was more than enough for me. I have found my mark. I ate that man down with my eyes. He was standing behind the group that was directly behind me. Dinner ordered his food and stood next to me and it was him smelling like an African God. I swore I would fuck this man before the month was out.

Dinner knew I was into steakhouses and told me before I even asked that he was paying because a woman like me deserved nothing less. The thong that was lost in my ass was tearing me a new one. Come hell or high water, I wanted to fuck him. Nothing was going to keep me from riding that dick. The younger me would have scoffed at the thought of fucking so early on but I am grown as hell and you quite literally only live once. There is no room for shame or latent moralities in my adult life and I knew I wanted nothing further with him other than to have my way with him. Why would I deny myself the pleasure? Why should you? Would you?

He arrived before me at our planned location. I walked up the steps first so I could make sure he seen this wagon I was dragging. He smelled as good as the first day I saw him and I was ready to take him in. Unfortunately, my lust for him waned within the next thirty minutes as I realized he was incredibly dull and full of drama. All that shit I was thinking earlier was out the window. This man could not hold a conversation to save his life, nor could he act like he had been somewhere. This imbecile talked so loud with a mouth full of food and he had food stains on his shirt and crumbs all over the table. A thirty-eight-year-old man with this type of behavior? Where was the decorum? The poise? The grace? I had to be getting pranked. This was a grown ass man, almost ten years my senior. This weirdo had backwash in his cup of soda. I was holding back this nauseating feeling. This guy called his last two exes crazy and come to find out, HE HAS THREE FUCKING KIDS and all his baby mothers is “delusional.”

Side note—How the fuck you let yourself be the third baby mother? The third?? You seen the two broken homes before engaging with this man but you thought you were different? AND why the fuck is he out here tryna build another broken home? He does not have enough money AND he is not that attractive to be delusional over. Did he have the dick game of a god? Did his oral have you screaming at the top of your lungs? I caught myself from wanting to find out. Girllllll……

My kewch was dryer than a tampon being taken out on the last day. I started sifting through my phone looking for a reason to leave, an escape route for lack of better phrasing because this man was an entire disappointment and I refused to sit here another hour. I sent the SOS to my group chat and told their asses to release me from the clutches of another sexless night. He did not like that I wanted to cut the night short and became a little aggressive when I informed him but what was he going to do about it? Get shot? I told him to think over his next steps unless he was cool with touching the hems of hell.

I finally got home around twelve am. The clothes I pulled off made a trail to my bedroom and I tripped over the spanx that was wrapped around my ankles. I was about to crash so hard as the day was mentally draining. Dates with four men, well, three men. Fifty percent is still a good rating if you ask me. Recapping through the night is something I consistently do. I laid there and just as I fell asleep, I was scared awake by a notification on my phone. I lifted my phone to see who the FUCK would disturb me at such a time and it was this motherfucker Lunch.

I know that’s a lie…..